Am I Co-dependent? |
Posted: August 16, 2013 |
Am I Co-dependent? Co-dependency is a popular label these days….so how do you know if you’re co-dependent? Ask these two questions:
…I think you’ll find codependence in the answers. First, let’s start with “helping”; not a big fan. I much prefer the term supporting; it feels more empowering to ALL parties if I support you vs. help you. Second, if you look honestly, a lot of “help” being given is more for the helper than the helpee. We often “help” because it makes us feel good about ourselves. We get a gold star if we help. We feel guilty if we don’t. This type of helping is co-dependent. It’s usually masking an underlying need to feel loved. Now on to the “happy”. The desire for others to be happy is fine. When I need you to be happy, it’s co-dependence. Helping or happying - both ways are learned from another person or from our personal experience. Look at your teachers, your experiences and you’ll understand yourself. Take parenting…our culture teaches that parents naturally care for and love their tiny vulnerable babies…but real life may have taught otherwise. And real life was the real teacher. It’s tough to unlearn whatever parenting role we had as children. It gets tougher to break free if we subconsciously are having children to meet broken needs from our childhood. Now take relationships…ever say or feel "I can't live without you"? We might be really thinking, "who will meet my needs if you’re not here?". [ Or my favorite, “how can I pretend my needs are being met, without you?”] We may get married looking for the love mommy or daddy didn’t give us. We may be in a relationship because we grew up being the caregiver and seek to perpetuate that role. We may be choosing friends out of pity or obligation. Or to validate our worth. Parenting, love relationships, friendships….love gets confused with many things, frequently laced with our unspoken expectations. WE’RE LOOKING FOR THE “HAPPY” IN THE “HELPING”. They’re not separate; they’re actually intertwined. Truth is, NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY. [the essence of codependence] STOP DEMANDING THAT, AND THE PAIN WILL STOP. As long as you expect or hope that others can and should meet your needs, you set yourself up to fail, to be hurt, to be disappointed. As a kid, that’s tough to understand. Not much easier as an adult… You can’t meet my needs, and I can’t meet yours. And if either party tries to do so, it takes so much energy that it depletes the person trying or destroys the relationship, or both. Helping doesn’t bring happiness. Eventually one unhappy partner cries, "you don't love me anymore" [translation: "you don’t make me happy"]. The couple may STILL stay together, miserably, or split and try to find someone else to meet their needs. Good luck with that. What to do? Self love, baby. Love yourself, warts and all. Love the fact that you want to be needed. Love all your humanity with all its imperfections. No judging, just loving. Self love isn’t the best self help; it’s the only self help. This works with others, too. Stop the helping and start the loving. Loving humanity opens the door to our divinity.
Have a coaching question? Just Ask Annie at [email protected].
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