Summary Why is it difficult Principle of pleasure and principle of reality Why it matters The desire to form a couple A project that awakens Essential dreams How to do To anticipate Why is it difficult
Having kids, building a house, going on vacation next summer… Even such basic couple projects can be problematic. Because to think about it, one must still have the hope of lasting, which statistics on the longevity of couples do not encourage much ... "Tomorrow, we are investing in land, but in ten years, will we be together for to repay the loan? "
Principle of pleasure and principle of reality Cause and consequence of this weakening of couples, lovers tend to live according to what Freud calls the “pleasure principle”, to the detriment of the “reality principle”. However, to speak of couple projects is to be on the same level as concrete. Finally, when talking about “joint projects”, the partners often fear that this will force them to give up their own ambitions: “How do I carry out my plan to go around the world if she tells me she wants three children? "
Why it matters However, "it is impossible to move forward in life without having projects," says psychologist and coach Alain Delourme. This truth holds not only for the individual, but also for the couple, which has its own dynamic. "Projecting together is indeed giving a little security and stability to your relationship," adds the therapist.
The desire to form a couple First project fulfilling this function: the couple itself. It is essential that the partners each have the deep desire to form a couple, taking into account the consequences that this implies in the long term (responsibilities, duty of commitment, support, etc.). To have chances of lasting, the couple must be considered from the outset as a life project that we absolutely want to save, "for better or for worse". Even sometimes they lost each other in form of breakup and after some times they loves each other and want to get ex their back.
“It is at the heart of the couple's structuring process,” confirms Alain Delourme. Wanting to engage in the relationship, firmly believing that “two are stronger than alone” and thinking “it has to work”. It is on this basic project that all the others will come to rely. Without it, no other is possible.
A project that awakens Another function of joint projects is to “wake up”: these are above all “risk taking” projects. Plan to go live abroad, to create a business together ... "The couple must take bets on their future if they want to strengthen themselves and if they want to avoid boredom," recalls Alain Delourme.
Essential dreams Among all the projects that the couple is considering, not all will be realized. These are dreams… just as essential. Going to settle in Tahiti, for example; Mylène and Louis, both 40, have been talking about it for years: “We imagine our life there, simple, surrounded by lots of animals… We are delirious like kids! For them, this dream has become a game they use as an anti-depression. “Dreaming together is an excellent way to create a fantasy world that only belongs to the couple,” says Alain Delourme. It's a force… when the two agree that it is only a dream. " Along with the couple's projects and dreams, "it is essential that the partners have individual projects". This alone allows the balance between the two opposing forces which animate them: the desire for fusion and the desire for autonomy. As the psychologist and sexologist Yvon Dallaire observes, "many divorces take place because one of the two partners did not feel respected in their aspirations or had ceased to respect their own dreams"
How to do Affirm personal desires. "Each partner must express his personal projects so that the couple can consider the possibility of incorporating them into those of the couple," notes psychologist Yvon Dallaire. How many children? Move in together or keep your own apartment? Knowing that these projects are not frozen, that over the course of the relationship, one can be influenced by the desires of the other.
To anticipate Muriel and Jean-Daniel, 30 and 40 years old, have established a regular meeting around this theme of projects. “Everyone tells the other how they see themselves in one, five and ten years. We check if we are on the same wavelength. Sometimes that forces us to adjust our sights to coordinate our wishes. As when Muriel confessed that she would see herself as a mother in five years when Jean-Daniel was considering a professional reorientation. “It seemed incompatible to us, then we agreed: we are going to have a child… and a loan! "It is not necessary to share the dreams of your partner to help him achieve them, but it is necessary to know his dreams and his in order to respect them", concludes Yvon Dallaire.
|