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Don't Talk. Don't Tell.
It's Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I an On Board. Wish I'd seen an article like this 20 years ago. I might have opened my eyes a little sooner.....
Please, please read and consider this EVEN if you are certain your relationship is not abusive. Denial is a powerful drug. We brush off and excuse a LOT of behavior by telling ourself, "Look how much he cares."
The following list "15 Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship" is distributed by The Women's Center. If your partner displays ANY of the following behaviors, you may be in an abusive relationship. [This is written with male pronouns, but women are abusers, too. Over 25% of abuse victims are men. You think women have a hard time talking about it.....]
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1. He pushes for quick involvement. He comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this before by anyone." You get pressured for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
2. There is jealousy. Your partner is excessively possesive, calls constantly, or visits unexpectedly. Or he takes absolutely zero concern in your life--either way he's got you.
3. He is controlling. He interrogates you intensely about who you talked to and where you were; checks mileage on the car; keeps charge of all the money or asks for receipts; insists you ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything. Watch for the casual but constant "check-in", too.
4. He has very unrealistic expectations. He expects you to be the perfect person and meet his every need. This is often done non-verbally, which makes it easy to deny, if confronted.
5. There is isolation. He tries to cut you off from family and friends; deprives you of a phone or car, or tries to prevent you from holding a job. Perhaps it's less extreme--take a look at your social life. Have you convinced yourself you don't need or want other friends?
6. He blames others for his own mistakes. The boss, family, you - it's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong. He resents bearing any responsibility.
7. He makes everyone else responsibile for his feelings. The abuser says or plays off, "You make me angry" instead of "I'm angry." "I wouldn't get so pissed off if you/they didn't..."
8. There is hypersensitivity. He Is easily insulted and will often rant and rave about injustices that are just part of life. Look for out of proportion reactions of anger, pity or criticism.
9. He is cruel or dismissive to animals and children. He punishes brutally, though not necessarily obviously. [keep it hidden] He also may expect children to do things beyond their ability, or tease them until they cry. Little real sympathy.
10. His "playful" use of force during sex. He enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will. Intimidates, manipulates, or forces you to engage in unwanted sex acts. Withholds affection if doesn't get his way.
11. There is verbal abuse. He constantly criticizes, degrades, curses or calls you ugly names. He will use vulnerable points about your past/life against you. Or on the flip side, you will never hear a thank you or any encouragement to support your self or the help you've given him.
12. There are rigid gender roles. He expects you to serve, obey, and handle all the duties at home. He "lets" you work outside the home, as long as it's not at his expense or sacrifice.
13. He has sudden unpredictable mood swings. He switches from loving to angry in a matter of minutes. He deals with his moods, violently. Road rage is common. Throwing, breaking, screaming at inanimate objects occurs. People aren't the only things that get hit or broken.
14. He has a past of battering. He admits to hitting women, but states that they or the situation brought it on.
15. There are threats of violence. He makes statements such as, "I'll break your neck," but then dismisses it with "I really didn't mean it."
If you've experienced domestic violence, if you need help, or protection, get in touch with your local (The) Women's Center, or search their main site. Some resources to check into for both male & female victims are: safehorizon.org, ncdva.org, & nomore.org.
You are not being disloyal to consider this as a possibility. If you think that's true, or if you don't want anyone to know you're reading this article....I smell abuse.
Don't hesitate to contact me if you need to talk. This one's on the house...
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| Annie-Pat |
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